"Well-behaved women seldom make history."
- Laurel Thatcher Ulrich

Wednesday, 3 June 2015

The Death of the Phoenix

I'm going home to die..

No need to worry, everything is OK with me, there is no issues with my health. I'm not going home to literally die. But as I always said, the symbol of the Phoenix has a strong effect on my Life. And just like the Phoenix, I'm going to die to reborn. The old habits, patterns will die with me, I don't want to follow them any longer. It's a strange feeling when one day you wake up and you realise in a nanosecond what you're doing wrong in your Life. Like a newborn baby, you open your eyes first time and you see clearly. But it's up to you what you're going to do with this realisation. I'm cutting everything off that I don't really need or not useful for me, that makes me feel tired, angry, sad or doubtful. Physically, mentally, emotionally. Things that hold me back. It's like a big spring cleaning! I have no regrets. I truly believe that things that belong to my Life they will find the way back to me, the rest is just matter of time when will leave by themselves .

It's painful, but I need to grow. I put 8 years in 4 boxes and decided to go back to Hungary. At least for a while, until I make the final decision. I don't want to live in a fantasy world any more, I decided to come out to the daylight. My eyes still hurt but soon I will get use to it. And I need my family and my family needs me. Where ever you travel in this world, it's always good to go back to your roots, where is the source of your blood.

I often said after reaching my dream – to go to Japan – I have nothing to take from this dancing world. For me that was the last step on the career ladder in this work (if we can call it a career) but after that I didn't find much happiness in it. Stories and experience for my book yes, but now I need to find the time to work more on that book and set up new goals.

I don't stop to work because I still have bills to pay but I will do less and less, and focus more on other aspects of my Life. I will still posting here, but more from memory than about actual work places. And when I'm ready to reborn, I spread my wings and I will return.

Wish me good luck and strength!


Being on this exciting spiritual journey of transformation, I was constantly dreaming about being pregnant or being in labour. Symbolically all means that I needed to find a way to my creative energy. To produce. To create. To compose. To establish. As the body creates a new life. One week later I had this new blog ready:

It's a strange feeling. I can not type or write as fast as my thoughts flow. I opened the gates front of them by removing all the unnecessary. Plus I think here is the time when I can show I'm more than a stripper. Or at least a wise one. The last two clubs in Belgium really made me think about if I still belong to this lifestyle.


  1. hi lindsay,
    i was very inactive commenting your blog. (Sorry)
    I was trecking in Nepal to realize what is going on in my live - hope you find your place ...
    Wish you all the best for your next step.

  2. It seems lots of people around me searching for their places in this world these days.
    How was Nepal?
    I wish you the same, all the best to your life!


  3. yeah - think the same.
    Nepal was so inspiring - all the people there were friendly and so open minded - they are poor but this makes all simple (i was there before the earthquakes hits them)
    And then the mountains - wow so huge.
    The mountains below 6000 meters have no names and are just hills for them.
    Standing in front of one of the top 10 mountains is so amazing - will send you some pictures if you like.

  4. Sure! I'd like to see some!
    Tibet and Nepal are the places I really wish to visit one day.

  5. i sent an email to your second blog - got it?

  6. Hello Lindsay,

    I hope you found peace and love back home!

    Very warm wishes from Belgium!
    Take care, girl!


    1. Thank you,Alan!
      Greetings from Hungary! :)